Thursday, May 29, 2008

A tip from a Black woman to Black women

Puuuuuuuhlease take off your glitzed up, bright red cowboy hat and gold earings the size of hamsters prior to your on screen CNN interview. It is very hard to take you seriously, regardless of your political position, when you look like an Eddie Murphy character...

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

You'd get the couch you deserved...

What if, when you were first born, *snap* a house popped into existence in Afterlife Land. It'd be an empty house. Totally blank. No color, no windows, no nothin'.

Throughout your life, you earn your furnishings. Sweethearts might earn huge, beautiful bay windows and deliciously comfy armchairs that miraculously still look sleek and modern. They'd die and wake to find themselves lying on the bed of their dreams, in the room of their dreams, in the house of their dreams.

But baddies would end up in houses furnished with some of the following:
- Chez lounge upholstered in rusty nails
- Angry fire ant rug
- Dry ice smoothie dispenser
- Clap on lights that require 17 and a half claps
- Razor blade-covered ottomans
- Hot asphalt floors
- Fly tape table cloths
- Red-hot iron flat ware

When people piss me off by being total jerks, I like to think that they just earned themselves some shattered-glass slippers... That and that later in the day they'll stub their toe so badly it bleeds. (Ugh - Just thinking about it makes me cringe!)

Good thing I'm not a baddie.

Things I compulsively save:

- Fortunes from fortune cookies
- Funky bottle tops
- Scraps of unique paper
- Boxes, ribbons, fancy gift wrap
- Clothes I don't like and don't fit into, but haven't yet replaced
- Ticket stubs
- Photographs of all kinds
- Odd magazine clippings
- Jewelry I never ever wear

Reasons being home is FABULOUS:

  • My comforter lives there. So does my bed.
  • It's warm. And even if it isn't, I can make it that way.
  • Saves on gas.
  • Picking your nose and wedgies is a lot less awkward.
  • Jammies - You know you want to wear them.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Ooooh... Memorial Day

White grapefruit juice, vodka, ice cubes, a powerful beating sun, a poolside location.

Confession # 1

I have removed the Jiffy Lube sticker from the upper left corner of my wind shield because it was making me feel badly for ignoring the needs of my car, Tubby, for such an embarrassingly long time.

Monday, May 12, 2008


I claim Austin, Texas (78704) as home base, but I currently live in Northeast Capitol Hill with a nameless chinchilla, an obsessive Redskins fan & a life filled with contradictions, a small sample of which are listed below:

- Own & love my bow & arrow & think the best day of my life involved getting to shoot a grenade launcher & a 50 caliber machine gun, yet find hunting & violence in general deplorable.

- Snootily drive a stick shift because “you can’t drive an automatic car, you can only ride in it,” but couldn’t find my hood release button when last at Jiffy Lube getting my oil changed.

- Will happily bake for hours (regardless of the product), but will only grumpily cook for a maximum of 30 minutes (regardless of the product).

- Love to read & write, but am a rilly, rilly bad speller.

- Am nearly always too tired to vacuum, but never too tired to hula hoop.

- Ask "why" entirely too much for someone my age.

- Am a teensy bit toooo tidy.

- Peppy, but sardonic.

- Caustically optimistic.

Also: Being warm is very important to me.